Forgiveness

Topic: Family Law February 19, 2016 by Jim Jeffcott

I came across this great article on the power of forgiveness.  Yes, even in divorce or separation.

I have found forgiveness to be a powerful tool for finding resolution and for moving forward in one’s new situation.

The article is below.

Forgiveness and Divorce: Is it Really Necessary to Forgive?

By EqMedSvs

Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC. Lori is a Forgiveness Teacher, Divorce Coach, Author and Inspirational Speaker, whose mission is to help people mend their relationship hurts through the practical and spiritual aspects of forgiveness, acceptance and compassion. To learn more about Lori and her upcoming events go to www.LoriRubenstein.com.

When I was a divorce attorney, I would send my clients to counselors to be fixed. I wanted them to deal with their emotions so they would be able to make healthier decisions about their divorce.

As their attorney, I could not make decisions for them since ethically, I was supposed to represent what they wanted, not what I considered “their best interest.” I needed my clients to be able to see into their future and make “rational” choices rather than “emotional” ones.

It took me going through my own divorce to learn how really out of touch a person can be when they are going through all that trauma and devastation. My divorce was literally a wake up call for me to have more patience, tolerance and compassion for my clients. The very fabric of who they were, their identity, and their future dreams were all turned upside down!

To help my clients, I created a class and a workbook called Transcending Divorce. This is when I realized that Forgiveness was truly the cornerstone of the healing process. Forgiveness allowed everyone to embrace changes, negotiate better agreements, and make healthier choices.

Leaving the legal profession for a more enlightened career, I became a divorce coach and a forgiveness teacher. I now teach the simple, yet life changing, 4-step “Living with Forgiveness Process.”

Step 1. Accept reality and acknowledge the truth of your situation.

Here is a useful tool:

Write out your ex’s story from their point of view, then write one from your point of view and lastly combine them for a more objective, neutral third party point of view. It is always helpful to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

The purpose of this is to transform your way of thinking and get out of black and white, right/wrong thinking. Remember, acceptance does NOT mean condoning their behavior.

Step 2. Take personal responsibility for your part in the breakup of the relationship

If you are stuck blaming others, you are powerless. And if you are blaming someone else, it keeps you from having to look at your own issues and hurts.

To feel more empowered, you must know that everything happens for a reason, know that reason. What are you learning? How much stronger are you? It helps to believe that there is a spiritual reason behind these situations. In other words, you are personally and spiritually growing.

For me, one of the things I learned about myself is I was way too controlling in the relationship, and this was not healthy.

Step 3. Acknowledge and accept the gifts and lessons learned.

Why did you choose that partner? What do you know now about yourself that you did not know before?

It is easy to blame and be negative during a divorce. However, it is important to honor what was, learn from what didn’t work, and move on. Here is one of my favorite quotes:

“What we remember – what we CHOOSE to let go and what to keep – is purely up to us. We can remember our love at its best, as it was in the “springtime.” There came a time when it simply needed to be over. But at one time, however long ago, it was, oh, so sweet.”

Starting Over, Meditations for Divorced Women, by Ellen Sue Stern.

Step 4. Feel gratitude for lessons well learned.

This fourth step is one of the best ways I know to stay positive and continue to grow and learn in a healthy way. While you might perceive “failure” on the part of your marriage, or feel guilt, shame, confusion, anger, hurt or bitterness, you can set the tone of your own divorce. You will in fact survive the divorce. How you do it is up to you. Will you learn life-long lessons from this relationship? Can be grateful for all of it?

You do not have to succumb to a negative, bitter divorce. With a little patience, self-compassion, and gratitude in your corner, you can come out unscathed on the other side.

If you have questions or comments about this or any aspect of the separation or divorce process, please contact anyone of the Family Law Group at LMR.

 

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